Are You A Do-er or a Be-er? Finding the best way to help.

You long to support your friend, sister, daughter, mother. But how?  This section gives some information about ways to come alongside a widow.

Are there different kinds of helpers?

Yes. We’re so glad you asked! There are some people who help best by doing, and there are people who help best by being. This is an idea that was beautifully discussed in an article by Catherine Woodiwiss, called “The New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma.” Woodiwiss describes the two kinds of helpers as firefighters and builders. Helpers can also be described as do-ers or be-ers.  Which one are you?

Do-ers

• Take up the slack on the logistics. Do-ers see that the laundry needs doing and do it (being mindful to read labels and washing instructions when in doubt). Do-ers notice that the snow tires need to be put on the car and drive it to the tire station. Or take it to get the oil changed.

• Offer to help with the estate tasks. Do-ers helping  in this area may offer to help organize documents, give rides to visit to the social security office or the DMV, or do any necessary filing.

• Clean her car. A clean car will help her feel more in control.

• Offer to bring meals. Also consider gift cards to restaurants, grocery stores, or coffee shops. Sometimes coordinating a meal pickup can be challenging.

• Take pets for walks, or to appointments at the vet or the groomer.

Be-ers

• Are willing to sit in silence with a widow, whether she is crying, being quiet, or needing to talk.

• Give a widow permission to call at odd hours if she needs someone to talk to.

• Call on a regular schedule just to check in and see how she’s doing.

• Notice when a widow needs to cry and be with her, holding the kleenex box.

• Send a card once a month to let her know you’re still thinking of her, or on special holidays like Valentine’s Day, birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Day.

• Volunteer to be with her when going through clothing or belongings and helping to make decisions.  

• In addition, some of the widows from the Paisley Project have compiled a “Widow’s Wish List” which gives ideas beyond sending flowers to the funeral.