Help for the Helpers: Holding Space

We came across an article this week on Psychology Today. It was a good reminder that an important part of being a helper to a widow is the ability to hold space for her. As the article said:

“We have all been called upon at one time or another to help a loved one through a difficult time. When the help required consists of concrete actions such as running errands or making phone calls, we know what to do. But sometimes we are called to hold space for the person as they go through their journey. They may need to express anger or grief; they may need to talk or simply be silent. They may need us to hold their hand; they may need us to give them time alone. What- ever the case, when we hold space for someone, we offer ourselves to be a container for the overwhelming feelings they may be en- countering due to their circumstances.”

At first glance, holding space appears that you may not be “doing” much. But in fact, holding space takes a great deal of energy and patience and the ability to withstand the discomfort of seeing your friend or loved one hurting and not trying to fix it or make it anything other than it is. If she feels overwhelmed by the situation, you are offering to help her hold it until she can make sense of it. By holding space, you are offering a container into which they can rest and share their pain, grief, sadness or memories and not bear them alone. This is so important!

It takes all the patience and fortitude in the world to be willing to be present to someone who is suffering while not trying to make it bet- ter. It feels like you aren’t helping, but you are. You are willing to be a witness to your friend’s life, and that will mean more than you can ever understand.

That said, you as a helper also have to pay attention to your own mental health. It may be helpful to remind yourself that this is her situation, her grief, and that she alone has the ability to figure out what is best for her. Not only can you not fix it for her, she will eventually be better able to make decisions that are more in line with her visions and goals by allowing her the space and time to figure it out.

In addition, make sure you take care of your own mental health. You may be suffering your own grief at the loss of this person, and you are of course hurting to see your friend handed such a load of grief. Much like we are advised by flight attendants to, in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, to put our own oxygen mask on before assisting someone else who needs help. As the article stated:

“When we offer ourselves in this way, the more centered and grounded we are, the better. Our steadiness allows our companion to lean into us for support, and our presence provides an envi- ronment in which they can be free to move. We can also help by being responsive, allowing them to dictate the flow of action from talking to not talking, from anger to grief, and back again. By being aware and open, we can help them confront their feelings when that feels right, and back off from them when they need a break. Holding space requires humility, conscientiousness, the ability to step out of the way, and us to honestly understand that this is not about us.”

Other suggestions for self-care for a helper:

• While holding space for another person, focus on listening. Take deep regular breaths.

• Do whatever you need to do to feel grounded yourself. Take a bath. Write in your journal. Go for a walk.

• Turn to your own network of friends for sup- port.

• Finally, take a break if you need to, preparing to come back when you feel more centered.