What a Widow Wants
Often, after a woman becomes a widow, we get frantic calls from her friends and family members, asking for advice on what they should do. How can they help? What things—or activities or products—make a difference? Are there alternatives to just sending flowers? And the fact that you are reading this post tells us that you care about making the life of a widow easier, or at least a little less dark.
We thought it would be best to go straight to the source and asked a few of our Paisley members for their answers. Here’s what they said made a difference to them:
Suzanne
Suzanne and her husband had just moved to Lyon, Colorado with a plan to retire there. While Suzanne was out running errands one day, her husband had a heart aneurysm while working at his home office and died at his desk. Here’s what helped her cope in those first few months.
A couple of people (thinking of my sister in Minnesota and my dear friend in Baltimore) helped me in a profound way after my husband died by either calling or texting me every day. This lasted for several months and tapered off in time, but I knew they still cared and wanted to be sure I knew they were there for me. Even though I didn’t always respond to their calls or texts, it made me feel less alone on the awful journey.
Reaching out regularly
My neighbors were at my house before I even arrived at home when my husband died. Over the years, they stayed in touch with me frequently. They both would help me with household issues that came up. The wife would text nearly every day and drive me to doctors’ appointments if needed. I will always be so grateful to them!
My sister flew in again a couple weeks after his death and helped me with my paperwork, i.e. death certificates etc. That was big help. I don’t think I could have done it alone.
Right after my husband’s death, my Baltimore friend asked me if she could help me find a grief counselor. I was so out of it but I agreed. She sent me two referrals and I chose one who looked good. I still talk to that counselor today (5 years later) when I need to. I can’t state enough how important this counseling was to me, and how insightful my friend was in suggesting it. Especially after such a shocking death, counseling has been a huge help in my growth. The counselor was so helpful, beginning with just letting me just be. Sometimes, she would sit near me and simply hold my hand, and we wouldn’t talk. I could cry deeply with her and she has always been able to hold the perfect space when I am in deep pain. I also reached to a lymphatic and craniosacral therapist to help me with trauma symptoms.
Covid hit shortly after my husband’s death and that sent me spiraling after a while. I was starting to have a lot of medical problems, and my doctor told me to get in the car and go see my daughter in Lakewood as much as I wanted, that my mental health was that important. So, I did. I would sometimes spend the night in Lakewood with my daughter and being together was so comforting. She was grieving so deeply herself for her dad. Sometimes we would lay in bed and cry together.
I was surprised to find that the friends I knew locally who I thought would be around weren’t, while the people who I didn’t see much could be open with me about the loss. It was interesting.
In a nutshell, in my opinion the most important thing to offer a widow is to be there for her. It will come through in your actions. Try not to shy away from her grief and pain, you can sit with her and just listen, and be yourself. Ask if she wants to go to dinner or for you to pick something up for her to eat. Eventually, she might even go to a movie. Often we don’t know what we want in the beginning.
And finally, don’t try to find quick fixes due to your own discomfort. Grief is such a long process and journey and we want and need to know we are not going through it alone for the long haul.
Karyl
Karyl (Paisley Project’s founder) was only 44 years old when her husband was killed in a car accident. And while many people were able to come alongside her after Pat’s death, she was surprised to find how few resources there were, especially for a young widow with children at home. This was a key impetus to starting Paisley Project.
However, she recounted a few more unusual ways were able to provide support to her in those early days.
“After Pat’s death, I still had kids at home. My youngest son, James, was only 13 years old, and he not only lost his father, but I was also struggling so in many ways and felt unable to be everything to him that I wanted to be.
I had a couple friend, the Fullers, who, when hearing that James had a project due on Monday that would determine most of his grade, took him to their house for the weekend and helped him finish it. They had kids his age and he knew them well. I was so grateful that he would be well-cared for, feel comfortable, and could get the support I just didn’t have the bandwidth to offer at the time. They just stepped up and told me “We’ve got this. Don’t worry about it.”
And then, when James was in high school, I was working full-time and didn’t have the opportunity to help with after school activities, which in his case, mostly involved baseball. There was another family whose son played baseball with James and who knew our situation. They really stepped in. They invited him to family activities, helped with practice and carpools and many of James’ activities. They paid attention, being there in ways I couldn’t always be.
Cleaning her car
Long after becoming a widow, I read somewhere that when your life feels out of control, clean your car. This always made sense to me, especially on those cold, snowy mornings in Colorado when I would get into my less-than-pristine car and see that I was nearly out of gas. I decided that a great way to support a widow would be to pick up her car on Sunday, clean it and fill it with gas.
Diane
After Diane’s husband Lou died by suicide, she found that the support people provided to her fell into different categories.
First were the PEOPLE
Several groups of people stepped up to support me and my children, my family particularly, although not my husband’s family, perhaps because of his suicide. I had several close friends, also widows, who knew how to be with and talk to me and my kids. I kept everything real and urged my kids to be honest with friends-- about what had happened, because it was now a part of our family tapestry.
I also received support from my church family and school community. They helped just by checking in with me regularly.
I thought about how written memories would help my kids know of their dad’s beautiful qualities. It’s easy to focus on the negative parts of our story. I will reach out to people who knew Lou and ask them to write what they remember so we will have positive memories.
Written memories
I also learned that it is important for me to ask for help when I need it, like the pickle jar I couldn't open. (Click here to read the blog post about this.)
Then there were the activities:
It was important for me to redo my will and get documents in place for my children to know my wishes and have access to all of my paperwork.
I learned about investing from my mother-in-law and how to bypass the middleman, so I began to invest little by little. This was an uplifting accomplishment that I've continued. My husband was not savvy with money. Unfortunately I was saddled with debt upon his passing.
I remember receiving anonymous letters and gift cards unexpectedly, that was such a blessing.
Another widow invited me to attend my first Paisley Project event, and, although it took me a while to finally decide to attend, it made a huge difference. So . . . tell your widow friends about Paisley Project!
Many of the activities that helped me were things I could do on my own, but could also be supported by others, include:
journaling
music—we liked the same really; finding his faves can be good
traveling--even just short drives up in the mountains, not waiting for the "right time" or saving for the "right time" to travel farther, because truthfully we do not know when our day comes
being alone, even making time to be alone, and being OK with it
ignoring "stupid" comments from others who really do not understand what it is like to be a widow
cooking Lebanese food like he used to do
keeping some momentos but also shredding past documents that were painful times
taking the high road with his family who were faulting me (that relationship has since healed, but it has taken time)
Holly
Holly lost her husband Michael after an illness. Although it was not as sudden as some of the other widow stories, the grief was intense. Here’s what helped:
Help with household projects or finding a handyman
Having someone be willing to sit with me IN THE PAIN. Not trying to fix anything; just be with me in the pain.
Having people actually say Michael's name!!!
Sharing stories about Michael.
People asking me to talk to them about Michael; share what kind of person he was.
People volunteering to help with issues (moving, assembling furniture, finding a handyman)
Talking to people who have walked this walk before me.
Paisley Project - networking with a group of people while experiencing new things and rebuilding/creating a changed life.
Friends who made plans with me (even though my heart didn't want to do anything).
Learning to be OK with living from just one hour to the next.
Reminding myself that it's OK to feel all the things that I'm feeling.
Reminding myself to be patient with others and especially with myself
Kim
Kim was the mother of 5-year-old triplet boys and an 18-month-old daughter when she learned that her husband John had been killed in a car accident. Some of the things that stand out to her today about what helped were:
Going with her to meetings
“Someone gave me a heated mattress pad. It helped to have some extra body heat under the covers. My uncle, who was also a lawyer, came with me to every meeting—with the DMV, the bank, social security . . . everything. And since I had so many young kids at home, I had a food train for a whole year. It really helped that I didn’t have to think about meal planning.”
Are you a Be-er or a Do-er?
You will notice that many of these supportive activities fall into one of two categories:
Being. A “be-er” is comfortable just being present with the person in pain. This takes an ability to sit with discomfort a widow is feeling without trying to make it go away, which is impossible to do anyway. However, a widow feels and appreciates the support of someone who is willing to just go on the ride with her, being there to witness her life and her experience and to show support.
Doing. A “do-er” is more comfortable taking on the practical but necessary tasks a widow needs doing. These are running errands, providing food, helping out with kids or pets—or cars. These are critical as well and make a huge difference.
Which are you? How do you see yourself best supporting your widow friend or family member? Both are valid. Both are important. Both are necessary.
In the next few weeks, we will create a printable PDF called “101 Ways to Help a Widow” which will include many examples of both types of helping.
In the meantime, thank you for caring enough to ask about how to help. You may never fully understand the impact your support has but be assured that it is appreciated.