Help for the Helpers
I found this article recently: “How to Help a Grieving Friend: 11 Things to Do When You’re Not Sure What To Do.” , by Megan Devine. The entire article is good and I recommend you read it, if only to share with your friends and family. Here is a brief summary of the eleven sug- gestions from the article. I have added my own comments in italics after each suggestion.
“Be patient when becoming someone you haven’t been before.”
— Tanya Markul
#1: Grief Belongs to the Griever
Grief is a very personal experience. You may believe you would do things differently if it happened to you, but the grief belongs to your friend. Follow her lead. Don’t compare your own loss to your friend’s loss. I didn’t find it helpful when people said that since I was young, I would be able to remarry soon.
#2: Stay Present and State the Truth
You cannot know that your friend’s loved one finished their work here, or that they are in a better place. These future-based plat- itudes aren’t helpful. Stick with the truth: This hurts. I love you. I’m here. Many people told me that I was not alone, that Jesus was with me. But at the time, I needed someone with skin on to help fill my practical needs.
#3: Don’t Try to Fix It
Your friend’s loss cannot be fixed or solved. See #2. It is a relief to have a friend who doesn’t try to fix.
#4: Be Willing to Witness Searing, Unbear- able Pain
To do #4 while also practicing #3 is very, very hard. Do it anyway. I had close friends and family members unable to look at me or talk with me because they didn’t think they could handle my grief. It’s very isolating. You feel like you’re continuing to lose relationships.
#5: This Is Not About You
Being with someone in pain is not easy. Your feelings will likely be hurt. You may feel ig- nored and unappreciated. Your friend can- not show up for their part of the relationship very well. Please don’t take it personally. It is important for you to find your own peo- ple to lean on. When in doubt, refer to #1. A corallary to this is that the helpers will need a break. As a widow, be aware of and prepared for this.
#6: Anticipate, Don’t Ask
Don’t say “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend won’t call. Not because they don’t need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need and then making a phone call to ask is be- yond their energy level. Instead make con- crete offers. My sister-in-law went to the DMV with me, made sure I had copies of documents, and spoke to clerks who couldn’t understand why I was so flustered. I could barely compose a sentence.
#7: Do the Reoccuring Things
Support your friend in small ordinary ways. Shovel the walk, fill the car with gas. These things are tangible evidence of love. Do not do things that are irreversible like laundry or cleaning up the house unless you check with your friend first. That beer bottle might have
been the last thing he touched. The laundry may be the last thing that smells like him. But don’t let those things scare you from helping.
#8: Tackle Projects Together
Follow your friend’s lead in these tasks. Your presence alongside them is powerful and import- ant. Remember #4. Bear witness and be there. A co-worker of my widowed friend Holly called her and said, “I’ll pick you up at 9:00 tomorrow morning and take you to run your errands.”
#9: Run Interference
A new griever has an influx of people who want to show support. This can be seriously overwhelm- ing. There may be ways to shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point per- son. My sister-in-law protected me at church from too many emotional conversations.
#10: Educate and Advocate
Use opportunities when people inquire about your friend to normalize the grief process for them. Send them to this newsletter for ideas and information about how to understand and help a widow.
#11: Love
Above all, show your love. Show up. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be present. Be a friend. Love is the thing that lasts. Amen!!