Meet Michelle: Embracing Coaching to Navigate Widowhood

Coaching is a powerful, but often underutilized resource for widows.  Too often confused with counseling, many widows feel resistance to reaching out for this kind of help. Paisley Project is here to help clear up the confusion, offer clarity, and provide real resources.

Counseling and coaching offer support and guidance but differ significantly in their approaches and goals. Counseling focuses on healing emotional and psychological issues from the past, using therapeutic techniques to help clients process emotions and develop coping strategies. In contrast, coaching is future-oriented, helping individuals set and achieve specific personal or professional goals through motivational techniques, goal-setting, and action plans. Coaching sessions are typically short-term and structured, with the aim of enhancing performance and creating actionable strategies for success.

At Paisley Project, we have recruited and supported the training of our
first cohort of Paisley Project coaches—all widows, all Paisley Project members, and all trained with an accredited coaching program. Our coaching packages are offered exclusively to Paisley Project members at a significantly discounted rate. You can purchase a package of six sessions—to be used when you are ready to use them—for $300.

We recognize, however, that taking the first step can be intimidating. Who do you choose? How do you know if it’s a good fit?

Which is why we are offering a series of blog posts which will introduce you to our coaching staff on a more in-depth level. The first in this series of “Meet Your Paisley Project Coach” is Michelle Nelson.  Here is her story:

Michelle Nelson

Paisley Project Coach

I met my husband, Dwight, at a friend’s party when I was 19 years old. At the time, I was dating the guy who was hosting the party, but Dwight was interested in me. He got my phone number from my roommate and called me the next day.  We set up two dates on that initial phone call, became engaged with rings and a wedding date six weeks from that initial meeting.  We were happily married for 41 years. Our lives were full.

In addition to the regular details of living—raising our two sons, working at jobs, house projects—what really stands out is how important family was for us. A big part of our life was the Nelson Family Vacations, which included not just our immediate family, but almost everyone we knew. We took road trips, went to Disneyland, Grand Canyon, spent time in Pinecrest every summer, and alternated timeshare trips to Kauai, Hawaii and Vail, Colorado. It was a priority for everyone who attended. Even when our children were grown, they would pay their own way to continue to attend.

Eventually, Dwight asked if we could go on a trip with just the two of us. In June of 2019, we went to Kauai, just us, and had a wonderful time. Kauai was the place we renewed our vows at 25 years and was "our special place.”  It was our last trip before he passed away weeks later.

Life as I knew it crashed around me in July 2019. Dwight had just retired and decided he wanted to do a solo hike on our favorite trail in Vail to celebrate.  He had just had a doctor visit days before. He shared that he made that appointment because he didn't want to be one of those guys who retires and then dies. We were both very active and had even done several 1/2 marathons together. Still, five days later, he suffered a “widow-maker” heart attack on his hike and died on the mountain. We had spoken just moments before, knowing he was almost to the top and he felt good.  With no prior symptoms or warnings, he was gone.  I was in shock! 

When I think about the most challenging aspects of becoming a widow, what comes up first for me is losing my best friend. We did everything together. We loved doing simple things together like grocery shopping, cooking, walking around the lake in our backyard and of course fun beverages on the deck at sunset. Bronco games were huge in our house and that included face painting and game day rituals for Dwight. We spent a lot of time together working on home improvements inside and outside of the house.  The vegetable garden was a huge joy for him and I did the flowers. When Dwight died, I lost my best friend, my constant companion. I lost my person.

But the losses just piled up on top of that: losing friends, relationships, our plans for the future. I went through changes in family dynamics. And on top of everything, I went through a loss of my identity, who I was, and what I wanted for my future.

I also had to learn how to do things that I had never done before. Dwight did all the home maintenance and knew how to fix everything that broke. In his absence, I had to figure out how to do things I never did before.  I learned how to fix toilets, showers, and leaking appliances, how to replace lightbulbs and heater filters, program the sprinklers, kill the grubs that infested my lawn, replace the grass, buy new appliances, replace the outside drip system, program the new TV, mow the lawn, shovel and snow blow, and even change the batteries in the screaming smoke detector in the middle of the night. I learned a lot.  And EVERY time I did something new, I felt stronger. It took a long time to ask for help because I thought I had to do it all and I did. 

Once I learned it was ok to reach out it was so much easier. One of the BEST places I reached out to was the Paisley Project. 

My first Paisley Project event was the Valentine's Day party that happened right before the start of Covid. I was so apprehensive to go but once I walked in the door my life changed. It was a judgement-free zone with women who totally understood, a safe place to just be loved, nurtured and supported. It was an opportunity to simply listen, to
share if you want but mostly to be really heard.  

There are so many resources available through the Paisley Project. But what helped me the most were attending the L.I.V.E. Intensive retreats and other social engagement activities. You cannot explain what it's like to be a new widow...except that it sucks beyond words! The magic happened so gradually. It came from the love, care and support you receive.  You can be or do whatever you feel like.  You can spend time alone or participate.  There are no expectations, rules or protocol. 

Some of my favorite moments are coffee in the morning in our jammies or beverages on
the patio after a day of being surrounded by special friends who get it! I have learned to
do artwork that helps me be creative and really relax.  And I am now addicted to jigsaw puzzles, coloring books and Zentangle now. Yikes!

This journey of being a widow is a process that is always changing and evolving.  Yes, I am a widow and it’s always going to be a part of me. However, I’ve learned I am SO much more! I have benefited from the Paisley Project acronym of working to L.I.V.E. As you will find out, we move from the point of (L) Loss, to the development of a new (I)
Identity. With that information, you can begin to make plans for a renewed (V) Vision for the future and figure out how you want to (E) Engage in the world again in a meaningful way.

The new me was born from loss. Every cell in my body changed when my heart was broken. I knew I had to do the work and felt Dwight guiding me along the way. I could feel him cheering me on and the unexpected glimmers along the way was a special treat!

As I started to shift my thoughts from loss to life, things started to change. Something in me was different and I started to believe that it was possible to be happy again.  After all, I had been through the unimaginable. I survived the worst and made it to the other
side. Once I gave myself permission to have a new life, gradually I felt different, stronger and wiser. I let go of the need to figure everything out and instead let my intuition, heart and soul guide me.
That intuition led me to become a Paisley Project coach. In doing the training, coaching helped me explore and identify ways to move forward. There are no words to explain how hard the journey is but if I could share some of what I have learned and pass it forward it would make my heart smile! Just having someone listen and hear you is vital
to the healing process.

Coaching can help a widow share in a safe space with no judgement knowing that their coach has also walked the journey.  Each of us has a different story but we are all connected by loss. There are no words needed. We just get it and can walk alongside, be there, listen and be a tool in the healing process.

Please reach out on this link if you’d like to work with me. I’m ready.